Tit for Tat: If Someone Hurts, Do not Hurt Back

Story: Ram, Shyam and Buffalo (Source: School Books)

Once upon a time, in a village, 2 brothers lived together (Ram: Elder, Shyam: Younger). After the death of their parents, they decided to distribute the ancestral property between them. Ram was older and smarter. He ensured to keep all the good things with himself but he could not decide how to divide two things with each other. They were their one buffalo and one blanket.

Here again, Ram showed his canniness and proposed a solution to his younger brother Shyam. He suggested that for buffalo, the responsibility of the front portion will be with Shyam and the back portion will be with Ram. Similarly, Shyam can use the blanket in the daytime and he will use it during nighttime. Shyam was young & simple and he could not understand the smartness of his brother.

As time passed, every day, the younger brother used to feed the buffalo during the daytime and would hardly use the blanket during the daytime but in the evening, Ram used to take out the milk from the buffalo and use the blanket in the winter night.

This continued for many weeks and Shyam realized that he had been cheated but he could not muster enough courage to question his elder brother. One day, he decided to share his concern with an elderly person in the village. The elderly person could easily understand the crookedness of his brother. He suggested some possible solutions to Shyam and asked him to try.

From the next day onwards, Shyam stopped feeding the buffalo and kept her hungry. In the evening, when Ram tried to milk the buffalo, the buffalo got angry and hit Ram hard with her legs. Ram could not understand the reason for such behaviour and decided to go to sleep. As he opened the blanket, he realized that the blanket was wet and he could not use it. When he questioned Shyam, he simply replied that the blanket was dirty and he washed it.

This continued for the next one week. Ram realized that his younger brother had understood his smartness and he would not be able to fool him anymore. He decided to compromise with his brother and they both jointly decided to feed the buffalo during the daytime and milk it in the evening together. Moreover, they also decided to share the blanket every night.    

The moral of the story: To win and succeed in life, teamwork and a clean mind is important. When we start competing with ourselves and not with others, the transformation starts.

“Maturity is when a person hurts you and you try to understand their situation instead of hurting them back.”: Unknown.

The majority of us have a simple philosophy of giving back the same what we have received.

If someone appreciates us, we also appreciate it. When someone greets us, we also greet them back. When someone wishes us on new year, we also do the same.

Similarly, when someone ignores us, we also ignore them. When someone criticizes us, we find ways to give them back. If someone doesn’t wish on our birthday, we also don’t do it.

What we are doing here is that we are simply copying the other person whether it is positive or negative. It could be as simple as that you said good morning to someone and another person did not respond. So, from tomorrow onwards, you stop wishing the other person!

Anecdote: Once two friends celebrated all the festivals together. During Diwali one friend used to go to another friend’s home with sweets & gifts and enjoy the food together. After that, the other friend will also bring the sweets and visit his friend. This continued for more than 20 years. Once, one of the friends was occupied with the work, so he asked his son to do the needful in his place. Interestingly, after some time, the other friend also asked his son to do the needful!  

Moral of the anecdote: Somehow, we have become so weak that even though the other person (who is doing wrong) is NOT willing to change, we change ourselves by behaving the same way as others and thinking that I am smart! Even though the reality is different. The other person was smarter and more intelligent as they have been able to change us !!!

If we see it from another perspective, as said earlier, we tend to copy from others. It could be good or bad. In this situation, when the other person is not willing to change but we change ourselves, there is a possibility that after some time, the other will start copying.

Example: If you continue to greet the other person or continue to support the other person irrespective of the negative response. By the habit of copying, sooner or later, the other person will certainly start to respond positively. It may be out of courtesy in the beginning but soon, it will become the habit of another person.

Another perspective at this stage is that ‘why the other person did not respond to me?’ There can be many reasons.

• The other person may not have seen me,
• the other person may be busy somewhere,
• the other person may not be expecting it,
• the other person may be lacking the self-confidence to respond,
• The other person may be considering themselves to be superior or many more.

What to do in this situation? If we have a natural tendency to talk to people, wish them or help them but we are not doing it as we are not getting it in return; we can feel hurt and expect them to respond or we want others to do a favour for us as we are senior in relation or position.

Rather than being hurt and feeling negative, it is better to take the initiative and do the needful ourselves. If others do respond, it is wonderful, if not, it is still ok as at least I am not feeling hurt or guilty.

In the beginning, even if we are finding it difficult, at least we can fake it and start doing it. Generally, there are 3 ways in which we respond.

• Reflect it: You talked good, I talked good, you talked bad, I talked back.
• Absorb it: Someone talked badly, and we could not respond but absorb it.
• Transform it: Someone responded badly but we transformed it into positive energy and responded. Like when a little kid hits the mother, the mother smiles and transforms it and responds that you are becoming naughty and your legs are getting energy!

Many times, is considered to be a weakness but think, that remaining stable, calm and behaving gracefully is the strength of changing ourselves like others.

I am challenging myself today and always to be myself, irrespective of another person. What is your plan?